


Panic Attack

by Evil_Squirrel



Series: Whumptober 2020 [4]
Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:56:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Squirrel/pseuds/Evil_Squirrel
Summary: While sleeping, Homonationalist gets a panic attack. As he sends Anprim for something, he tries to deal with it.Day 18: Panic attack
Relationships: Anarcho-Primitivist/Homonationalist (Centricide)
Series: Whumptober 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1962403
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Panic Attack

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory "I'm not a professional, I'm just another person who stumbled upon [thesigilwitch's](https://thesigilwitch.tumblr.com/post/190505588979/he-explained-his-reasoning-to-me-when-he-got) post" note.
> 
> Also, if this reads too much like I was crossing out stuff from a list of symptoms or misunderstood something, tell me.

Homonationalist had been dreaming about something. He didn’t remember what of, but he did. It could be anything, not just a nightmare. Whatever it was, it was probably less unpleasant than the awakening.

When Homonationalist woke up, all he knew was that he was dying. His brain kept alerting him that yes, he was really dying. He felt as if his heart was about to jump out of his body, his body alone was shaking and being wrapped in a blanket felt suddenly uncomfortable for multiple reasons, one of which was the feeling of hotness that was engulfing him.

“Homonationalist? Homonationalist? Do you hear me?” Anprim’s whisper was coming for far away and Homonationalist had to pay attention to it to make sense of any of it. He heard his name repeated a few more times before he opened his eyes.

Anprim was staring at him from an inappropriate closeness, his eyes taking a major part of Homonationalist’s field of vision. One tap on a shoulder was enough for him to get that he should get further away from him. Homonationalist turned on the lamp on his night table and saw only the quickly kicked off blanket, his boyfriend and his room, the place where he was supposed to feel safe. He also noticed that anything that could help him was missing on his table and of course, it had to be at this night.

“Could you get me something? Lemon, ice cubes, something else?” he spat out as quickly as possible, trying to ignore the feeling he didn’t have enough oxygen in his lungs. Anprim nodded and sneaked out of the room. Homonationalist closed his eyes, focusing now on slowing his breath.

It could’ve hit him stronger. It hit him stronger in the past. He remembered vaguely that one time he was having a full-blown panic attack and Transhumanist started with the in and out mumbling.

 _“You must breathe slowly, in and out, in and out…”_ He could almost see Transhumanist waving his arms when he remembered his shaky voice. Yes, yes, in and out, in and out, do you know that you don’t breathe enough? In and out, in and out, you’re dying. In and out, slowly, not that fast. Can’t you breathe normally? You’re going to die.

His breathing was even more rapid right now. In and out, in and out, he still didn’t breathe enough, he should more, he needed more or he was going to die. And where was Anprim?

Did he just worsen it for himself? Of course, he did. Why else would he focus on that? Maybe some part of his wanted this to continue, to get this worse, to get it so bad he would pass out and it was frightening him.

He would die. He would certainly die. He was sick. Hopelessly sick. That’s why he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t feel well even during the day, it might be this and not a panic attack.

Something moved in the corner of his eye. His breathing fastened and his heartbeat went up which seemed almost impossible. Where was Anprim?

He sat up and curled up, pushing knees to his chin. This shouldn’t be happening, this was terrible and this wasn’t supposed to go this far. He was supposed to handle this. It wasn’t his first panic attack, he should know better than to make it worse.

Where was Anprim? Homonationalist knew nothing about the time that flew so far, but he was sure the guy was already supposed to be back. What if something happened to him? If that was so, it was because of him.

He should go and check on him. It was the right thing to do and he needed to get out of here anyway. However, Homonationalist already felt a bit dizzy and the thought of passing out while walking down the stairs horrified him more than staying and waiting.

Even if he didn’t die tonight, it would come eventually. Everybody died so why he was worried so much about it? Was it because he was as girly as other people told him? As one particular blue man told him? He was a pussy, a failure of a man, as his parents told him.

He realized he was sobbing. This was the end. Even if this was only a panic attack, he was too much of a failure to stop it and now he could only wait until he would pass out. This moment still didn’t come.

He was waiting for ages. He was waiting for Anprim to return, for the move he saw to mean something, for the promised terrifying reset button and the death that would eventually come.

Even if he tried to do something about the crying, it was unstoppable now. He could now only go through it, hoping Anprim wouldn’t see him in such a pathetic position.

Something creaked. Homonationalist hugged his knees tighter, pushing his chin even closer. No, no, no…

“Homonationalist?” It was Anprim’s voice again and it sounded even further away than when he heard it first time that night.

“No fruits, only water and… modern technology.”

Homonationalist looked up and quickly grabbed the ice cube in Anprim’s hand. He was holding it in his palm tightly as if he wanted to crush it. After a moment of just clenching his fist, shaking and staring at it, he put it in his mouth. Cold. So cold. His teeth was chattering.

His breathing deepened and started slowing down, just as his heartbeat. The hotness disappeared. The shaking didn’t, but it was happening now for a different reason. He wasn’t dying. He was just sitting here with the ice cube in his mouth.

“You know that when Sun God, bless him, cries, rain start?” Homonationalist was glad Anprim started chatting because it helped him to focus literally on something. “That’s why I danced with smiling mask few days ago! The raining could change into floods! And sometimes, Sun God is smiling all the time and he can’t stop and then the flowers die…”

“I get what you’re saying. Thanks.” To be fair, he wasn’t exactly sure if Anprim got the difference between feeling really bad and a panic attack, but he was trying to help. Or maybe he was just underestimating him.

He leaned into Anprim’s shoulder, breathing deeply. “Good. You feel better now?”

“Yes, but I think I could use some more stories.” Despite feeling tired, Homonationalist knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.

Anprim smiled. “Did I tell you story of first tribe elder?”

“Yes, but you can tell it again.” He already knew this one word by word so he joined Anprim in telling the story.


End file.
